‘The Muppets’ Movie Makes Me Wonder: What Beer Would They Drink?
“The Muppets” new movie debuts the day before Thanksgiving, but I was lucky enough to take a little road trip Saturday to Walt Disney World’s Downtown Disney and catch an advance screening at the park’s 24-screen AMC Theater (which has a full bar in the lobby, by the way). “The Muppets” is a thoroughly entertaining flick that will appeal not only to kids, but also those of us who grew up watching “The Muppet Show” on television.
Of course, the way my mind works, I began thinking about what our fine felted friends might do after the show when the music ends, the lights darken, the makeup comes and the costumes return to the hangers.
I imagine that, like many of us, Muppets head to the nearest watering hole to tip back a pint or two and talk about the workday.
So, what would be in their beer glasses? Here are a few thoughts.
Kermit the Frog
The amphibious master of ceremonies at The Muppets Studio is sort of an everyman type. He’s not looking for anything too fancy, but wants clean taste and a green label. Kermit is quaffing a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.
The porcine beauty queen wants only the best, and to her that means something rare and expensive, and of course the container must be breathtakingly beautiful. Miss Piggy fills her crystal champagne flute with nothing other than Samuel Adams Utopias.
This throwback jokester to the golden age of Vaudeville always goes for the cheap laugh and has a seemingly endless supply of magic tricks in his repertoire. So it’s Magic Hat #9 for this bear. He can steal jokes from the witty sayings printed under each bottle cap and as a bonus, Fozzie can use the swirling design on the top in his hypnotist act.
Also known as “The Great Gonzo” and “Gonzo the Great,” this Muppet’s wildly unsuccessful stunts fail to deter him from trying again. Naturally, though he is not of the canine persuasion – and really, who knows what sort of creature he is – Gonzo’s favorite brew would be Flying Dog’s Classic Pale Ale. The company pays tribute to the Great Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson with label art drawn by longtime Thompson collaborator Ralph Steadman. So there’s that, too.
Muppet Theater’s resident chef loves to fling knives and cleavers around his kitchen while spouting gibberish that sounds vaguely Swedish but really isn’t; however, his dialect issues could cause some problems when it’s time to order a beer. Rather than trying to pair a beer with his personality, I’m going to guess that the chef would step up to the bar and order a Belgian brown ale, specifically “Chouffe McChouffe Bier Brune D’Ardenne from Brasserie d’Achouffe,” because, well, it sounds like something he could enunciate properly.
The always manic, never depressive, rock ‘n’ roll drummer is a special case, in more ways than one. Though his appearance reminds me of a lot of homebrewers whom I know, his drink of choice veers from beer and into the world of caffeinated malt beverages. Animal drinks Four Loko. And not the watered-down version: He scored a semitruck load of the super-caffeinated, 12 percent alcohol by volume “energy drink” before public outcry forced the company to scale it back. Once his stash is depleted, Animal will be back to ordering Red Bull and vodka.
Sam the Eagle
This character’s beer is fairly easy to pin down. Always trying to live up to his duty as the avian embodiment of the United States, Sam once was a devoted drinker of Budweiser – even the can is red, white and blue – until that damn foreign company bought out Anheuser-Busch. Now you won’t find Sam with any beer other than Samuel Adams Boston Lager.
Statler and Waldorf
Another obvious pick. These arrogant old men constantly belittle their fellow Muppets while safely perched in their private box above the stage, never considering that any of the entertainment beneath them is worthy of their time. Nothing will do for these two curmudgeons than to share a bomber of Stone Brewing Co.’s Double Bastard Ale.
Of course, this list only includes the characters from “The Muppet Show” and the new movie, who obviously are of legal drinking age. It would be too much of a shock to get to Sesame Street and see Elmo sitting on a curb with a brown bottle in a paper sack.
Which other characters did I leave out, and what beer would you picture them drinking? Let us know in the comments section.
Be sure to check out “Kermit Rocks,” an ode to the green guy by fellow beer writer Owen McCuen on Ferment Nation.