Megabrewers Merge and Purchase All U.S. Craft Brewers
In a stunning blow to the world of craft beer, the globe’s largest beer companies announced this morning that they have merged into one mega-giant spirits company and have acquired every craft brewery in the United States. The new company, formerly the separate brewing empires of AB-InBev, SABMiller, MillerCoors and Diageo, will now be known as SABInMiCoD.
“We have decided that, with mass-marketed domestic beer steadily losing market share, it was time to share – and own – the entire market,” said SABInMiCoD figurehead Augustus Busch Jr. V. “You thought that takeover this week of Goose Valley or whatever was a big deal? With one fell swoop, we have destroyed those upstart ‘craft’ brewers and their fancy-pants fermentation.”
Effective immediately, Busch Jr. V said, there will only be four styles of beer available to the consumer: Regular, light and lighter American domestic lager as well as an imported American domestic lager (“In a green bottle,” Busch Jr. V said).
The branding has not been finalized, but a source close to the deal said that some of the names being bounced around are “Duuude!” “Hot Sexy Bikini Girl” and “Beer.” All brewing resources will be dedicated to these beers (“And they’ll all be aged on Beechwood,” Busch Jr. V said).
When the news hit the wires, beer geeks and beer douches across the nation stumbled out of bed and dug for change in their couches so they could traipse to their local breweries and craft beer stores to buy the few remaining bottles of obscurely named fermented products.
Most of the owners of those small breweries purchased by the new gigantobrewer were apparently busy researching private-island purchases and could not be reached, but Road Trips for Beer managed to contact a few.
“You don’t like it, well, tough shit,” screamed Greg Koch of Stone Brewing.
“They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” said Sam Calagione of Dogfish Head, in the wake of the confirmation of rumors that his “Brewmasters” show is on hiatus. “Not only did they give me a Peruvian scuttleboat full of money, but they are financing my new TV show – on a real network this time.”
When reached by phone, Garrett Oliver of Brooklyn Brewery did not make an official statement, but we could hear him revving his Harley and shouting what sounded like, “Enjoy your Brooklyn hell hole, suckers,” followed by sound of his cell phone being thrown into the East River.
We tried to contact Julia Herz, the craft beer program director for the Brewers Association in Boulder, Colorado, but someone who answered the phone said she was hiding under her desk with an enormous wedge of Stilton cheese and a cask of imperial stout. The person could not say when she might be available to comment.
Beer blogger and bon vivant Ashley V. Routson, the social media maven formerly known as “The Beer Wench,” had this to say: “I love wine.”
With that, this April 1, 2011, post will be the last for Road Trips for Beer. After all, there’s no reason to take one anymore, is there?
In related news, Oregon has seceded from the union.